I think after my last journal I should tell you what is going on and stuff.
At first I want to thank you all for caring. I haven't expected that so many people really do...
I still feel miserable and I don't think that these problems will get solved very fast.
Well, but if I say "I want to die" that doesn't mean that I actually have in mind to do suicide. Im way too afraid of doing something like this. Afraid of physical pain XP. It is just the wish to fall asleep and never wake up. I really wish that I could give my life to someone else who died suddenly ( for example a car accident ) and who was happy.
The fact is that I've rarely been compleatly happy in my life.
It began in my childhood. My brother started fights with some oder guys. Lots of people hated him. When I got in the first class of the elementary school, I got in this class with all the younger brothers of these guys. From the time they heard my last name, they knew that I'm the little sister and hey hated me. The other people of my class hated me to. And there was no reason. I never did anything.
No, I don't blame that on my brother, I blame it to these guys.
I've had a friend in another class. But she died at a car accident. She wanted to visit me on this day....
After 4 years this horror was over. In the other school I actually found a few friends.
But after 2 years i got in school with these guys from my old class. And they haven't forgotten about the hate.
So 2 other years have been for an arse. Sadly, I lost the contact to my friends, because they went to another school.
During this time my father was in the hospital for a very long time, too. So it was a double shit time.
One day, I told my parents that I won't go to school anymore. And they finally asked why??? I felt so sick in these last years and they have never realised it???
Well, I changed the school. I have found some friends there who are still really good friends of me.
This time was over, very fast.
I went to another school ( preparing for a job thingy yeah bad english ). It was ok, but I always have been scared of been treated like shit, again. The people weren't nice ( arrogant suckers XP ) but at least they haven't done anything to me. I've been to some other schools because of making my technical diploma at design and studying multimediadesign. Everything was ok there.
But after all this I haven't found a real job. The most people
sayed it is because I don't have a apprenticeship of practical work. So i decided to make this apprenticeship, too. Everything is ok there besided my failures and mistakes XP but the school....
Here's the actual problem: Everything started fine until some retarded guy made stupid comments after every word I sayed. He never did that after other peoples comments. So I'm asking myself: "Why does it always have to be me?? Is there something wrong with me?
I have lots of other problems: My parents are very sick. My mum was in the hospital for several time last and this year and I'm really scared of loosing her. I have problems with my bf, too and I'm also very worried about my brother. Something is wrong with him and it is very serios. I guess he's taking drugs or he as a disease... . But no one listens to me.
All these feelings are too much. And yesterday, after these sucker in my class left a stupid comment I could'nt stop myself.
I yelled at him and I sayed some very insulting things to him.
God, I haven't felt such a hate for a person since years.
And after the lesson the teacher wanted to talk to me alone.
She sayed that she has the feeling that the class segregates me. I sayed that her feeling is wrong, but fuck yeah, she was so damn right.
Well, some people talk to me, but they also say really bad things behind my back.
I really hate this. And I don't understand. What the hell am I doing wrong?
Another problem: I have a very good school education and stuff with some very good grades. My mum asked me why I still haven't a good job. I know that my parents feel miserable and that they need help, but it's just unfair. They didn't helped me, when I needed them so much. So why?
She can't expect that I'm normal after this "life".
It just hurts, that I'm still nobody. I want to show all these people who sayed that I'm stupid, that I can do more then them, but there's no chance. I'm afraid to speak infront of lots of people and that ruins a lot. I look normal, but if somebody talks to me, I'm always insecure. I'm scared of getting hurt.
And that why my dreams will never come true. It's all senseless.

So, I guess that's everything. I wonder if someone actually read that XP i guess not, because it's too much and kinda boring. I'm sorry about grammar, spelling and typing mistakes. You don'T have to understand all this crap wich I have written...

I'll delete this thing very soon. Just wanted to let you know why I have written this journal.
And thank you so much, again. I wish you would be a part of my real world. I bet it wouldn't suck anymore...